This Newf Reviews: Merrick Porky Jerky Pumpers

Time for another über-tasty rendition of...

THIS NEWF REVIEWS! Merrick Porky Jerky Pumper

And I am sorry but this post is a bit of a spoiler. Later I will be trotting out photographs and videos of a present I received from two lovely female newfs named Maya and Chloe - and it was these same femme fatales who taught me the incredible joy of the treat I am reviewing today. They sent them to me. My joy at possessing such attractive fans was eclipsed only by the joy I found in the treats that they gave to me.

Since I've already reviewed a number of Merrick treats I'm skipping the Company Standards portion of this segment - if you want more information about Merrick please visit their website. In the meantime, gird your loins and prepare to start begging, my puppies - these treats are PAWESOME. Here's a picture.
Holy cow do they not totally look like giant hunks of delicious jerky? Guess what - THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE! Um. The squeamish among you may wish to stop reading now. For example, anyone who can't handle bully sticks definitely should not continue reading.

At first none of us could figure out why they were called "Pumpers" since they appeared to be just jerky. My mama was especially concerned after the bully stick debacle of 2006 - (when a visitor to the house was playing with one and she explained what it was to him. There was screaming, and then a whole lot of showering) - because unfortunately her mind only goes a few places when she hears the word "pumper" and all of them are more than this PG-13 rated blog can handle. I apologize for my mama. But once we read the website it all became clear to us. Unfortunately this clarity led to the humans saying things like; "but I thought your heart belonged to me, Nanook!" and "Oh look, his heart is broken." *sigh* People.

In short, the pumpers are pig hearts. Whole, jerkified, pig hearts. Sign me up for an entire crate, please. Unfortunately they only sell these on the Merrick website by the case, but I am sure you can find them on other sites in smaller doses. My newfie girlfriends sent me four because they are incredibly generous, wonderful ladies. I had to share them with Pooka, (which was total poop by the way).

Size and Portability: Well, I guess the portability depends entirely on how comfortable you are carrying a mummified pig's heart in your pocket. Leading to my very famous stock phrase: "You gotta ask yourself a question...'do I feel comfortable carrying a mummified pig's heart in my pocket?' Well, do ya, PUNK?" Okay, so I'm no Dirty Harry. Still.

These treats measure 5 - 7" in height - and they're pretty thick. And meaty...and delicious... *droooooooooool*



Newfy Drool-o-Meter Rating*: It's unanimous. Even Pooka outdid his babyface and drooled all the way to the ground for these things. Simultaneous Ropes to the Floor! Which you can witness in the video, possibly. Although really we pretty much immediately lay down and started devouring them, so most of the drool was evident after they were finished.

*Newfy Drool-o-Meter Key:

Dry Mouth: Zero interest or appreciation for the item in question - not worth drooling over.
Minicicles: Just the tiniest hint of a droolcicle starting at either corner of the mouth. Drool worthy? Barely.
One-Slinger: The treat is good - good enough to get the juices flowing but not so good that I would offer it as an aperitif on a first date with Sunshade.
Two-Slinger: Now we're talking! The drool is even, it's sling-able, and it has been earned.
Simultaneous-Ropes-to-the-Floor: The highest honor I, or any newf, can offer a treat or toy. So delicious and delightful that the drool flows like water.