A Newf Lexicon

We've had some folks tell us that they have never heard a few of the words that we use regularly here on the blog used anywhere else, by anyone, ever. So we thought about it, and it occurred to us that it might be handy if we wrote them all down, in one place, and gave some definitions.

We know it can be confusing when cultures meet if there isn't some way to translate common phrases and expressions. One minute everything is fine, and the next minute you've accidentally declared blood feud unto the 18th generation of your families by smiling at the Chief's wife, and paying her what you thought was a pretty compliment but was, in actuality, a phrase indicating how many camels you would pay to see her wrestle with your donkey in odorous mud.

Nobody wants that. So, to prevent blood feuds and perhaps more importantly any transaction involving camels, donkeys, and the chief's wife, (mud or no mud), we present to you the very first installment of The Newf Lexicon.

Baby: BAY-bee noun

Any human, dog, or animal smaller than us Newfs. This is very nearly everyone. Often used in conjunction with the words "gentle" and "careful." Usually used in a command.

"Nanook! How do we play with the baby???"

"Careful Pooka! Baby! Baby! Gentle!"

Casanewfa: Cah-sah-NEWF-ah noun

To wit, one Pooka. More specifically, a Newf who spends all of his time making sweet, sweet love to everyone he meets. Especially female dogs of any breed.

"Nanook really resents how much of a casanewfa Pooka is."

Crazies: CRAY-zees noun

Word used to describe a period of time/activity, often in the evening prior to bedtime. Any remaining energy in the Newf is purged during this period through a series of wild behaviors, all of which are summarized by using the descriptive noun "crazies." One should never mix a "baby" with a "crazies."

"You don't want to go out there right now. They're having their late-night crazies."

Flooger: FLU-ger noun

Indicating any kind of salivation on the part of the Newf. Usually used when salivation becomes rope-like in texture.

"Holy cow, look at the size of that flooger!"

"I hate to tell you this, but a flooger just landed in your coffee cup."

verb

Often used when saliva is flung by forceful head shaking onto a variety of surfaces, including but not limited to: windows, televisions, walls, ceilings, mugs of coffee and The Mama's head.

"Watch out! He's about to flooger!"

"Um. Let me get you a towel. You've just been floogered."

Moof: Muehff noun

A particular kind of barking sound, presenting usually as a quiet noise that starts in the back of the throat and ends in the nostrils. Half bark, half sneeze. Often used as a preliminary to louder efforts, and is usually to be found in the evening, when a Newf notices something out of the window in the dark yard. In quality, almost inquisitive. The Newf is not quite certain if there is anything out there or not, and wishes to call your attention to it for a second opinion.

"What was that noise?" "Oh, it was a moof."

verb

The act of creating the moof sound.

"Nanook is moofing at the buffalo again."

Mor-Mor: moure moure noun

Literally, Mother's Mother. Grandmother on The Mama's side. Colloquially, a woman who with gusto stuffs a Newf's face with Norwegian Cream Cake, regardless of the potential weight gain likely to occur in same Newf.

"I hope our Mor-Mor comes to visit soon. This diet stinks."

Nom: num onomatopoeia

The sound of someone yumming it up, (ie: really enjoying themselves), while eating something. Often used in sets of three. Especially by Nanook, who is obsessed with food.

"Nom nom nom!"

Snoorfle/ing/ed: SNORE-fle/ing/ed verb

The act of sniffing an object, scene, or living creature to best obtain any interesting smells it/they might be harboring. With a Newf's pronounced lips and flews, and gigantic nostrils, this act usually sounds like someone erratically vacuuming up something the consistency of oatmeal.

"Pooka snoorfled that bush for like, twenty minutes. Someone must have seriously marked that thing."

"He tried to snoorfle that little dog over there, but it freaked out."

Snoogle/Snorgle: SNU-gull/SNORE-gull verb

Serious coziness. Snuggling. The act of physical comfort, often involving kisses, hugs, and the wrapping of paws and the head/neck around one another.

"Awwww...look. Nanook is snorgling Pooka on the couch because he knows he doesn't feel well."

V(et)ampires: veht-AMP-ires noun

Any member of the veterinary profession who uses needles for the purpose of collecting blood from a Newf. Many OTHER members of the veterinary profession are tarred by the same brush, and therefore called by the same name, simply by association. To be licked and or snoogled only under duress. Otherwise, avoided like plague.

"Don't worry Nanook, we're not going to see the v(et)ampire today. We're just getting you weighed."*

Walkies: WOK-keys noun

A favorite activity best described as barely-contained violence on the part of Pooka, and a sedate gambol on the part of Nanook.**

"Okay boys, let's go for walkies. Pooka, CALM DOWN."

Wuffle: WUHF-full verb

A much gentler act than snoorfling, but otherwise very similar. A kind of Newf caress involving the gentle sniffing of the face and/or hair.

"Nanook wuffled me when I got home this evening! He's so sweet."

*Nanook persists in filing this under Deeply Suspicious, no matter how many times we go there just to put him on the scale.

**It bears repeating that it has now been 7 days since Pooka has been on a walkies. Madness ensues.