Pooka's Behind Takes Center Stage. Again.

Well, actually usually it is MY tush that is front and center on everyone's minds...because it is FABULOUS...but this time Pooka's tushy is having its turn.

Please forgive the graphic photo, by the way - and a warning: this post is going to be pretty disgusting. Women and children may not wish to read it. Anyone eating something might not want to read it either.

Here's the story. A month ago the Mama was watching Pooka run, which is always a pleasure, and she noticed a white spot under his tail, below and to the left of his anus. She called him over and investigated, and found a patch of skin that was a little raised, like a bee sting. When it didn't go away after a day or two she took Pooka to the vet. The vet stuck a needle in it, (HORROR!), and put it on a slide and eyeballed it but said he hadn't gotten enough cells to be able to say for sure if it was cancer or not-cancer. He didn't think cancer was very likely though, so he said to keep an eye on it, and bring Pooka back in if it got bigger. So every day, for the past month, the Mama has been looking at Pooka's behind. Hah!

Well, on Saturday she looked at it, and she nearly fainted! It had grown! Boy had it grown! It was like, the size of an egg! (Mama's Note: It was. It was huge. It was horrifying. I totally freaked out.) So the Mama totally freaked out, and yelled for the Papa. He came and looked, and HE totally freaked out. The Mama said, "it looks like it is seeping something." And she got a piece of paper towel, wet it with warm water, and swabbed at the spot to clean it up. Only when she did that, it totally burst! And not just a little burst, either. It positively fountained! It shot clear across the room! It also shot clear across the Mama. (Mama's Note: Most. Disgusting. Moment. Of. My. Life.) The Mama sat back on her heels, said, "Oh my GOD!" sat in shock for a few seconds, and then ran for the bathroom. She had to clean it out of her hair, you guys. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

(Mama's Note: *incoherent sobbing* I washed my hair five times that night. Five times. This could ONLY happen to me. The smell, the smell, the horrible smell!!!)

I was there, so I know what it looked like. Mostly it was a clear yellowish serum, but there was this dirty whitish-brown exudate as well. Like from a pimple. Only grosser. The Mama was in the bathroom for a WHILE. Then she came out and called the vet. Only here's the thing - we were in VIRGINIA! You know, Virginia, on the buffalo farm, hiking and swimming and having a fabulous time? Well, Pooka's behind sure put a damper on things. And not just because the Mama couldn't take us swimming that afternoon because she was busy washing her hair.

(Mama's Note: I relived that moment over and over again all afternoon long in my mind, you guys. In slow motion. Oh god oh god oh god.)

The vet was able to fit us in first thing in the morning on Monday. So the Mama, the Papa, Pooka and I spent all day Sunday driving back home from Virginia. Pooka's Magical Exploding Butt ruined our vacation! Okay that's an exaggeration but there was still a lot of hiking and swimming left to do, in MY opinion, and we didn't do it because we had to transport His Royal HindEndness back to civilization. Hmph.

Anyway, we got back to New Jersey and he had his appointment yesterday morning. The Mama had started to calm down a little bit after doing some google searching on the subject of exploding butt boils - she was thinking it was probably just a sebaceous cyst and nothing to really worry about. But when the vet saw it, then HE freaked out! He took a needle again, (seriously, what is the deal with vets and needles? Is it some kind of weird hobby?) and he got some more cells, and he stuck them on a slide and then he practically ran out of the room. He told the Mama that the rate of growth of this thing was very concerning. So then she started to freak out AGAIN. Only she had to be brave and upbeat for Pooka because he's a little sissy boy at the vets and he starts crying if he gets worried. Or sees another dog that looks worried. Or smells the smell that a dog makes when they are worried. Or thinks about anything. The Mama has to distract him by asking him to do his tricks and stuffing treats in his face to keep his mind off of where they are and why. Personally, I think that's ridiculous. I mean, I'm always happy when I go to the vet, and THEY TOOK MY TESTICLES AWAY! So what does HE have to be upset about? Seriously? Well, up until now, anyway...

Moving on, the vet came back after looking at the cells and he appeared much calmer. He said the worst case scenario, and the thing he'd been worried about, was seeing mast cells on the slide, because that would mean that Pooka's butt had a mast cell tumor on it, and it would be very tricky to operate and remove it because it is so close to his anus and you really need a big clean margin when you cut those out because they are bigger than they look. But he said he hadn't seen ANY mast cells on the slide, and he had been expecting to see LOTS of them, so that was a very good thing. All he saw, as a matter of fact, were red and white blood cells - evidence of an infection. Which we'd basically already known since when Mount Vesuvius-in-the-rear had erupted on the Mama, it had erupted white blood cells. Good times. He took Pooka's temperature, (no fever), and then he seriously investigated the area. The Mama told him she'd given Pooka's tush a bath that morning as a favor to him. As someone else has pointed out, that is the canine equivalent of always wearing clean underpants.

So now the doctor told the Mama that it might be a sebaceous cyst, it might be a basal cell tumor, or it might be a perianal adenoma. Although he said he rather doubted the last one since Pooka is so very young. The options were to leave it alone, do a course of antibiotics, and see if it went away on its own, or to remove it. The sticky bit about leaving it, of course, is that if it gets any bigger, and it's NOT just a sebaceous cyst, that removing it in the future would be really hard since it would have gotten even closer to his important bits. The sticky bit about removing it is that Pook has to go under anesthesia, which always makes the Mama nervous, and it IS in a tough spot to operate on. Then the vet asked the Mama how she felt about it. She said she felt terrified - mostly because if she decided to leave it, and it WAS cancer, she'd never forgive herself. So the vet said, "well then we're taking it off."

So tomorrow my little brother Pooka, (whom we have been affectionately calling, "lumpy butt"), is going to have the lump removed, in surgery. Now he'll have a legitimate reason to whine when he goes to the vet. But to be honest, you guys, I really wish he didn't have to go. Cross your paws for him please!